Cigarros con cafe

Saturday morning and the sun is shining, a gentle sea breeze caresses the kowhai leaves, and distant yachts slice their way effortlessly through shimmering waters on the horizon. Ah yes, time for coffee on the deck... and while I'm at it, why not pull out a cigar?

As a fellow prisoner of our modern age, the spectre of guilt overwhelms me at the thought of such an unproductive pass time. What of domestic duties? Or of preparation for future events - building up peers and relationships - self-improvement through cultivation of skill - turning a buck in a costly world...? Our contemporary curse, the plague that is the pandora's box of Lifestyle Options, assails me. Tick tick tock goes the clock, relentlessly driving the slaves who must account for its atomically-defined nanoseconds. I attempt to still my guilt by pulling out a laptop to mark some annoying essays. The battery fails. Time slows to the pace of the incandescent cylinder pressed between my forefingers. With every draw, the pillar of ash grows. Every once in a while, it falls to the ground. Its rich and creamy emanations soothe the mind. Peace and satisfaction prevail. Self-absorbed man of contemplation, or Doer and Achiever of many things- who is of the undead, and who is of the living? The cat stretches out, oblivious, on a warm paving stone. I am reminded of a book by Proust, A la recherche du temps perdu, of which - irony of ironies - I had only ever speed-read extracts for school. I think this is a fortunate thing. In any case...

Blessed be the cigar that affords us momentary exile from the world of options.

I confess that despite the knowledge that real prestige lies with the after-dinner cigars, the large puros that match refined drinks like whisky and generally provide greater complexity and evolution of flavour, most often the smoking urge comes on me for daytime smokes, generally late morning with coffee. Sometimes I want one before coffee, often after coffee, and every now and again i'll actually have one with coffee - like today. Some kind of biscuit and dark chocolate are also de rigueur for that blend of flavours made in heaven.
[if you must know, my fave biscuit is McVitie digestive with a dark chocolate like Scarborough Sinless; if i have them, i will go for roasted almonds instead of the biscuit; and on the rare occasions when we have any in the house, i might go for a timtam.]

As for the cigars, well you have tasted for yourselves the diminutive Cohiba Club cigarillos - the quick fix option - the Hoyo de Monterrey du Maire in the small range, and larger half-corona vitolas like the Trinidad Reyes, Cohiba Maduro5 Secretos, at a push the San Cristobal El Principe; and on the rare holiday occasions I can stomach a biggy in the day, a Montecristo no4 or even larger, a Hoyo des Dieux. Others that I can't get hold of anymore are the El Rey Del Mundo Demi-Tasse, or Gloria Cubana no4. They all have in common a medium body, more woody or cocoa type flavour, and all have a hint of sweetness. Cigars that have more to do with leather, earth, spice or a fruity twang I exclude as I'm not a coffee-or-chocolate-with-fruit kind of person. I save those ones for alcoholic partners. But that's just me.

What kind of cigarros con cafe experience floats your boat? I'm interested.

Romeo y Julieta Churchill Challenge

Here we have it folks, to celebrate our first decently-sized cigar, you are invited to partake in a Heretics Churchill Challenge.

First, a little history. The vitola of this cigar, officially a Julieta no.2, was renamed in honour of the venerable statesman, who was well known for his love of similar sized cigars. Apparently, gruff old Winston didn’t just like to smoke Romeo y Julietas… he actually used them to intimidate hostile negotiators. Legend has it that Churchill was in the habit of inserting a straightened paper clip into the end of his Romeo y Julieta before a difficult interrogation. This would allow the cigar to burn without dropping any ash, letting his cigar ash burn so long it would distract onlookers. This was so strange and perturbing that it allowed Churchill to gain the upper hand in conversation.

Now, as to our competition - the name of the game is The LONGEST ASH.

Much like Churchill himself, you are called upon to demonstrate your finest British phlegm in the face of a relentless invasion. In this case, your merciless adversary will be the largest cigar you have ever faced, assaulting you with wave upon wave of nicotine-fuelled flavour. The Heretic of unflappable demeanour will not only weather this neverending storm, but produce evidence of his steady-handedness with a photo/video of unperturbed Ash, still hanging on the end of the cigar.

All you have to do is send in this evidence of your Churchill with intact ash [and unlike the man himself, without the aid of such things as paper clips, no8 wire, swedish enlargement kits or other].

MAY THE LONGEST ASH WIN.

The winner's Prize will consist of one long but skinny 2000 vintage La Gloria Cubana no1 cigar - one of my favourites and just as long as a Churchill. (pictured below)

P.s. Extra points/prizes could be awarded for:

• a great Churchill impersonation; and/or
• a legendary photo of you smoking your Churchill;
• a brilliant review of the cigar

Montecristo #4 Spins Me Round

Greg came down to the Capital on Easter Weekend to get away from the humid, overpopulated and drab mess that is Auckland city. And he got to Absolutely Positively experience the breezy sun, luscious beach bodies, and wharf jumping delights of Wellington's riviera. Sea sex and sun converging in a momentary apotheosis of pleasure - yes that's the thrill you get watching me jump off the wharf (as I get blown off to break the ice below).

Anyway here is our garage review of the Montecristo no4 with theme generously provided to us by Classic Hits FM.

Next batch ready!

Fellow fumeurs, the next batch is ready at the tinny house i.e. still Sam's place.
Give me a ring or email me to let me know when you want to collect the cigars.
[Ed.: address info deleted to avoid spam]

They are:

• the trusty Hoyo de Monterrey du Maire
• Trinidad Reyes
• San Cristobal Del Habano El Principe
• Diplomaticos no.4: a petit corona with a difference.
  
• Romeo y Julieta Churchill - yes a classic and a big mama now that you guys are trained up to puff for long periods of time (also a lot more expen$ive so not as many cigars in this batch)
  

Greg

Happy Birthday Grand Heresiarch

X L F.
Son. Brother. Father. Friend. Grand Heresiarch.

I came across an old photo of Dad and Xav digging up the concrete driveway in Curacao Place. Gumboots, pickaxes, sweaty brows. The picture stirred clear memories of the aura that surrounded Greg throughout our upbringing- paint stained jeans, three-day-old singlets, the smell of cigar, half forgotten apples, barely nibbled biscuits in the fridge. These were all traces of the presence of Greg.
As Hannah commented today: "I often enjoy the smell of cigar more than its taste". This is a sentiment that I felt growing up. Cigars- a comforting smell. The nearby presence of the patriarch (& half biscuits bound to be found somewhere... of the deadly sins- Xav was sloth, I was greed).

At the tender age of 12 I remember hiding an old cigar butt and trying to light it later on. It tasted like poos. I also found a condom packet then, embarrassed by its phallic suggestiveness, tried to burn it. It doesn't work. It's a mess.

I can only imagine that Xav lived similar experiences, and yet, and yet, he was the one to pick up the cigar legacy. He was the one who pioneered Aotearoa Heretics into the unknown world of refined cigar puffing. He crossed boundaries of race and creed. He laughed at embargoes and the West's fear of communism. He reached out to the small tobacco farmers in Cuba, Nicaragua, Ethiopia.

He took a small seed, planted by our father in our hearts, and made it grow.

Xavier, we salute you.

Cohiba Maduro 5

I haven't been keeping my travel humidor humid enough so it may have impacted on the taste of this cigar. Didn't seem too dry though. Nice experience.